Touts and Con-Men

Delhi is synonymous with touts such that the Oxford English dictionary should reference the city when defining the term.

To experience Delhi, and, especially Agra without the touts would be to witness a mirage without the subsequent disappointment: It wouldn’t happen.

One very simple, correction, Two very simple rules exist if you wish to navigate the streets, gutters and roads without hassle:

1. If somebody speaks to you in good English they are a tout; this is a great shame when one of the prime reasons for traveling is to mix with the locals.

2. Never use a Rickshaw or Taxi that offers his services to you, flag your own. This will avoid further adventures to silk stores to buy gifts for Mothers, Sisters and Girlfriends.

"So what?" you say,

"Just ignore them" you scoff

Unfortunately something that comes with being British is politeness and they know this. A simple "Hello", if reciprocated, transforms a polite gesture into a pursuit as relentless and unyielding as the Delhi Sun. The usual lines used are:

"If I was in England and you advised me then I would be very grateful for the help, because, you know your country as I know mine."

The fact that a British person wouldn't rudely interrupt a conversation and inform somebody of this fact is lost on them.

or, to soften you into believing the guy is genuine, has the money not to scam you, knows England, and therefore you:

"I've just gotten back from a Holiday in London" he proudly announces.

"Really? Where?" You foolishly engage

"Wimbledon and Chelsea, and around that area". Any two football teams would probably work just as well.

After several tiresome conversations with these guys you find the best plan is to follow one of these rules:

1. Ignore Them - Takes practice to perfect when they erode your personal space so corrosively. And this method can take at least 2 minutes by which time another has attached himself so subtly that you're sure he used anesthetic.
   
2. Firmly say No - Not just "No!", say it with the eyes and the scowl that can be internationally translated to even to illiterate as: I’ve just written off my Jaguar, I haven't eaten for two day and to top it all I just found out that the Missus is shagging the Postman. They don't like this and, briefly, scowl back, it gets results though.
   
3. Play their game but when it comes to the point of following them just carry on walking where you actually want to go. Not to a booth the owner created using 4 pieces of Plywood for walls, 2 for a roof and a tub of white Dulux with brush to annotate: "Raj's City Tours"
   
4. Politely let them know your not a newbie and know exactly when your doing; making sure not to walk into the exit of the railway station at the same time.
   
   

After several days of this I have decided to ignore them or try the secret fifth option: To speak Polish to them.

Get outta that one Rommel